Previously I shared part one of our journey through infertility. At this point, we had now moved from testing on to treatments. And in the end, God had one big surprise for us! Keep reading to learn what the second part of our journey held for us!
Our first treatments
In the time that passed between our surgeries and fertility treatments, we decided, with guidance from our doctors, that we would skip the timed Clomid cycles and go straight to Intrauterine Insemination with Clomid (IUI). This meant I’d take the Clomid and give myself the shot like normal, but instead of trying on our own, I would have a medical procedure done to place the sperm close to the egg in order to maximize the chances of fertilization.
Our first IUI was unsuccessful so we prepared to do another round. But we found out that Gilbert’s numbers had actually gone down, which wasn’t good news and the Clomid I took for the treatment had seriously messed up my cycles. So we postponed further treatment yet again.
We were finally able to complete our second IUI in August 2015. Unfortunately it was also unsuccessful. At this point we were both feeling discouraged, frustrated, and tired of waiting. We had doubts about God’s plan for us and we wondered if we’d ever become parents. It had been nearly two and a half years since we began this journey and it seemed that every time we’d take a step forward, we’d end up taking several steps back. As much as we wanted a child, we also began to wonder if it was time to give up and move on with our lives.
Deciding where to go from here
It was also at this point that IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) began to look more and more like our only option. This is something I had said from the beginning that I did not want to do. It is an extremely invasive, extremely expensive procedure that has a significantly lower success rate than I would have liked considering all that it entails. But I also wanted a baby more than I had ever wanted anything in my life.
Around November 2015 I think we finally decided that we would begin pursuing the path of IVF. We started walking that path with hesitation and doubt, though. We never really felt peace about it. But our doctors had convinced us that this was the best option, so we scheduled the appointments and began preparing physically and emotionally for the journey ahead. We took a break from trying as we celebrated the holidays and decided to hit the ground running in the new year. We had no idea the amazing story God was about to unfold before us…
In January 2016, we were scheduled for our first IVF consultation. But just days before the appointment we got word that insurance would not cover IVF until we had three failed IUI’s, and we only had two. This was frustrating and disheartening for us. But after discussing it with our doctor, we decided to go ahead and do a third IUI on my next cycle.
God’s bittersweet blessing
Around the same time, I had started practicing Christian meditation with the intention of being more open to God’s leading in my life. One night, as I lay meditating and praying to God, I felt Him telling me that I was pregnant. He said the baby wouldn’t be able to stay but that another would come soon. I began to rationalize that it was only my fears talking and it couldn’t actually be God. After all, why would God send us the child we had so long prayed for just to turn around and take it right back? So I went on with my life for the next few days.
However, only about a week later, I received the news that we had hoped and prayed for for nearly three years…I was pregnant! It was a miracle and we were so overjoyed. I quickly scheduled a blood test to confirm and our fertility doctor checked my HCG levels (which is common practice with fertility patients). My initial levels were low and the doctor seemed less than hopeful, but I chose to pray for a miracle. I told my closest friend of the news and she joined me in prayer.
The loss we prayed against
But that encounter during my meditation only about a week earlier weighed heavily on my mind. Surely God wouldn’t, He couldn’t, allow this awful thing to happen. But just a few days later, my doctor confirmed my worst fear. My HCG levels were dropping and a miscarriage was likely imminent.
I cried as I told a few of my closest friends that God had blessed us with a baby but that it likely wouldn’t be able to stay. I was devastated. How could a good God do this to us? Why would he? What had we done so wrong in our lives? But somehow, by a miracle I suppose, I managed to cling on to the last little bit of hope and faith I had left. After all, God had said that even though this one couldn’t stay, another would come soon.
It was another four days before I miscarried my first baby. I mourned this life lost. My little one had only made it just shy of five weeks. I faced the fact that I had a baby I would never get to meet, or hold, or see, or name this side of heaven. I don’t even know if my child is a boy or a girl. But I do have faith that one day I will get to experience all of those things.
God kept his promise
Following our loss, Gilbert was gone for his annual military training which forced us to take a break from trying to get pregnant. It was good for us, though. We both needed it physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Once he returned, we were ready to try again. We had decided that IVF was not the path we wanted to walk at this time and chose instead to try on our own for
Our story isn’t over and God has poured out so many more blessings on us. But we will always be grateful for the immense joy God has brought to our lives through our children. Those three years of struggle seem like such a distant memory now. But it is a memory I look back on with joy and thankfulness because I know that God used that struggle to increase our faith, our strength, and our bond with each other and with God in ways no other struggle could have equaled.
Of all the things God has taught me, the greatest is this,
Everything is beautiful in its own time.
Finding support for your journey
The journey of Infertility is different for each one who walks it. Some find
I pray each of you can find peace and that God will bless your path no matter what resolution you come to.
1 in 8 couples
If you’d like to connect with other Christians walking the same path, check out hannah.org. This is a community of women who have walked or are currently walking the road of infertility. There are forums where you can share your ups and downs, your frustrations and triumphs, and all of the other things you encounter along the way. You can also read Jennifer Saake’s book Hannah’s Hope to help you navigate many of the hurdles we face in infertility from a Christian perspective.